An Open Letter To The Woman Who Gave Me Shitass “Advice” On A Mom-To-Be Message Board

Let me preface this: I have never been a fan of “mommy groups.” I have always been a fan of empowering moms to have confidence and take care of themselves. The two are not interchangeable.

Why don’t I care for them? I just don’t fit in with the whole “mommy group” crowd. No, I don’t want to sit around and talk about how I asked my husband to do “just one thing today” and he didn’t do it (followed by a sip of my iced macchiato, no whip, skim). I really don’t want to eat ice cream out of a tub and profess how I refuse to have sex with my husband for a week because he didn’t pick up a gallon of milk like I asked him to.

I don’t want to talk about Suzie’s cough. I don’t feel like discussing the dust on my ceiling fan and how it drives me insane. Please don’t invite me over for premixed “low carb” cocktails (get some Bombay Sapphire and lighten the fuck up).

Nope. Just not my style.

Last night, however, I decided to give some mommy chat a try. I immediately realized why I don’t post in these groups, and here is a heartfelt letter to the person who so kindly reminded me of why I loath these message boards.

Dear whatever-the-hell-your-name is (because your “handle” doesn’t give it away),

Thank you so much for responding to my question within five seconds of posting it on the What To Expect March 2018 Babies group message board. Honestly, I didn’t even sign up for that shit. Apparently, when you desire to see cheap stock photos with fruit sizes that arbitrarily dictate what size your baby is during said week of your pregnancy, you get signed up for a group with a bunch of women who apparently know everything about everything.


I’ll spare my readers what I asked because, well, that is why I asked it on a message board dedicated to pregnant women at the end of their third trimester. The important point is that you gave me a three word response to my question, followed by this:


A note to my readers: I was asking about something that required I disclose my level of physical activity that day, so that’s why I brought up running.

LOL. First, can you read what I said? You seem to participate in these things a lot. You are, as far as I can see, a “mommy chat first responder.” People can likely always count on you to just show the fuck up immediately and provide unsolicited advice. I didn’t ask you to talk to me about running this late in the game. I asked a pretty specific question, no?

But since you have put yourself out there, let me tell you a little bit about running: It isn’t your crapper-mill 30 minute home workout that you do “just to get it out of the way.” It isn’t a cheap DVD from Big Lots that instructs you to wear your kid on your back and squat. It isn’t paired with a shake or a bunch of colored containers that could never fit enough pasta for me (seriously though – like half a cup of pasta? Sigh).

For runners, running is energy. You told me to “save my energy,” so you clearly don’t get it. Running is so much more than you understand.

If I’m tired, know what I do? I don’t take a nap. I go for a run. If I’m mad, I don’t text Kimmy all the horrible things going “wrong” in my suburban life. Instead, I go for a run. When my kids won’t stop singing the same damn song for hours and I hear the LEGO box topple over onto the floor, I slap my headphones on and go for a run.

Did you know, First Responder, that running releases endorphins which in turn boosts mom’s immune system naturally? I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to wipe every fucking handle with a Clorox wipe every time someone touches it. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I don’t clean my toilets on a daily basis. I don’t run and hide when someone coughs. I could use that natural immune boost. It’s really just one of many benefits to running through pregnancy as long as possible.

And, quite honestly, the point of this is that I didn’t ask you for advice on working out. You telling me to “save my energy for the big day” clearly shows your ignorance to the sport of running. Fun fact: Running can be an endurance sport both mentally and physically. Sound familiar? Yeah? Like when you’re trying to push a baby out of your crotch after 14 hours? #yep

So take it from me (and my OB) – Running when I’m ten days away from my due date is a good thing. You’d know that if you asked. Quick side note: Where did you get your medical degree from?

Now, go ahead and go on with your life. Go stalk the mommy-talk message boards and answer other questions. While you sit there under your cream-colored blanket on your pristine white couch watching prime time television, I’m going to go get another mile in. #cheers! Enjoy that pre-mixed cosmo that was in a sale cart in Giant Eagle!

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