When the pandemic started, I got back into Twitter. And every damn morning when I look at Twitter, I see the following tweets even though we are months into a global, once-in-a-lifetime pandemic:
“Doctor So-and-so explains the importance of wearing masks!”
“OH Dept. of Health shows the proper way to wear a mask!”
“WHO states that wearing a mask helps prevent COVID019!”
Every. Single Day.
My question is this: Why, for fuck’s sake, do we continually need a third grade diagram and explanation to show us how to wear a mask and why? We have topped millions of cases in this country, and it’s honestly amazing that people still don’t understand how or why to wear a damn piece of cloth over their face.
The time has come: I don’t want to talk about masks anymore.
This may sound like I am joining the loud and elite “masks infringe my freedom!” team, but I’m not. I am and have always been #teammask, and I will stay that way. I mean, I kinda like it. Did I brush my teeth this morning? Are my lips chapped? Did my kids write on my chin with marker? Is there a glaring zit under my nose? YOU WILL NEVER KNOW.
More importantly, I have zero qualms about wearing a mask because I am fine with being considered a “sheep” to the government if it means saving your grandma’s life. Moving on.
It seems that the people of our country are hell bent on believing a shittily (it’s a word, ok?) made YouTube video or trusting a doctor who said something about having sex with demons RATHER THAN actual science. Like, data and numbers in facts. People in our country would rather get into an argument with a grocery store clerk over a mask than just fucking put one on, shop for 30 minutes, and go home to their own damn backyard where they can sit in the driveway, Natty Light in hand, and stare at their “make liberals cry again” sign on the garage. Note: This all takes place after church on Sunday.
And here’s the thing: We are sick of hearing about it. We are sick of states and people having to spend money for all the signs, visuals, and expert-testimony about wearing a damn mask. It’s common sense: Covering the particles that come out of your mouth will help stop the spread of COVID-19 and other sicknesses. I would love for someone to explain WHY THIS IS A DIFFICULT CONCEPT.
Let me guess — why didn’t we wear them during flu seasons in the past? WE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE, KAREN. WE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE.
I have taken the guess work out of the mask wearing for you. Please save this post so we don’t need to turn a press conference or sign onto Facebook or Twitter and see that you once again need to learn about wearing a mask.
Here is your handy guide:
When you don’t feel like wearing a mask, say out loud, “I don’t care if I accidentally kill someone. I am cool with committing Covidular manslaughter.”
Whenever you want to put a mask over your mouth and not your fucking nose, say out loud, “I don’t breathe from my nose, and only from my mouth, so this is totally fine. Air does not pass through my nasal cavities. My nose is useless.”
Whenever you want to wear a mask as an earring, say out loud, “Someone has not bought me jewelry for years, and that is why I am doing this — because no one likes me enough to get me a pair of dollar store clip-ons. I enjoy my fashion statement at the moment.”
Whenever you want to wear a mask below your chin, say out loud, “This would work perfectly as a jock strap because I don’t have big enough balls to tell Trump to F off and do what is right to protect people. I am fine with my testicles sleeping in Trump’s cheap blazer pocket.”
Whenever you want to wear a mask on your forehead, say out loud, “COVID-19 actually grows out of the hair in the front of my forehead. I am a COVID chia pet. Ch-ch-ch-COVID! I am keeping people safe by wear a mask over the porous area of my forehead.”
See how all these statements sound. And if you think they sound stupid, take a look in the mirror and see that you LOOK just as stupid as you SOUND.
I don’t want to talk about masks anymore. Thank you.